sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
