I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
