Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Randomize