Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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