That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
