Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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