2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
