remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
