My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
