Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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