Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I am available for nakedness
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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