At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
