Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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