That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
