I cannot find my penis.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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