I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
