I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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