I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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