Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
