if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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