im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
