the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
