Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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