I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
