I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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