sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
