You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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