Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
