I cannot find my penis.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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