im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize