I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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