dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
