my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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