Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
