no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
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I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
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I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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