Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
