I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
