i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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