I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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