you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
