ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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