She's JV to your varsity
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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