So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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