im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
