yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Randomize
