I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
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His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
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I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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