Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
not ubering you a puppy
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
