I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
