his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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