God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
