just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
