I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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