The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
