Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
