if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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