Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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