i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
