So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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