dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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