He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
