I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
