So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
