So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
